Are you a perfect parent?
By Roop Lakhani - 10:32:00
The mistakes parents make — and the mistakes our 15–20-year-olds may be making too
We often talk about the mistakes of today's generation.
And sometimes we talk about the mistakes of today's parents.
But perhaps the real question is:
What are both sides missing?
Because parenting is not easy.
And growing up is not easy either.
A parent may look at a 17-year-old and think:
“You have everything. What more could you want?”
And the teenager may look at the parent and think:
“You have no idea what I am going through.”
Both may be speaking from their own truth.
Both may be hurting.
And both may be missing something.
Where Parents May Be Going Wrong
1. We give them everything—but sometimes forget to teach them how to handle anything.
We want our children to have a comfortable life.
So we remove obstacles.
We solve problems.
We call the teacher.
We fight their battles.
We arrange things.
We protect them from disappointment.
But a child who never experiences manageable failure may grow up believing that discomfort means something has gone terribly wrong.
Protection is love. But overprotection can sometimes prevent resilience.
2. We provide more than our parents gave us—and then expect gratitude for it.
This is a very human parental mistake.
“We have given you everything.”
“We never had what you have.”
“Do you know how hard we worked for you?”
All of this may be true.
But a child cannot be expected to feel grateful simply because a parent sacrificed.
Gratitude has to be cultivated through understanding, not demanded through guilt.
Instead of saying:
“We did so much for you.”
Perhaps we can sometimes say:
“Help us understand what you need from us now.”
3. We confuse achievement with wellbeing.
Marks.
College.
Career.
Competition.
Appearance.
Success.
Sometimes the child's emotional world becomes secondary to performance.
We ask:
“How much did you score?”
before asking:
“How are you feeling?”
We celebrate achievement more loudly than courage.
But a child needs to know:
“I am loved even when I fail.”
That is a powerful emotional safety net.
4. We compare.
“Look at her.”
“Your cousin is doing so well.”
“Why can't you be more like him?”
Comparison may motivate for a moment.
But repeated comparison can quietly communicate:
“Who you are is not enough.”
Every child needs guidance.
But guidance doesn't require humiliation.
5. We lecture when they need listening.
A teenager says:
“I am stressed.”
And the parent immediately says:
“Stress? What stress do you have?”
A child says:
“I failed.”
The parent says:
“I told you to study.”
A child says:
“My friend betrayed me.”
The parent says:
“Forget them. Make better friends.”
The parent is trying to solve the problem.
The child may simply be asking:
“Can you sit with me in this feeling before you try to fix me?”
6. We expect them to talk—but sometimes punish honesty.
We say:
“You should tell us everything.”
But what happens when they tell us something we don't approve of?
Do we listen?
Or do we shout?
Do we ask questions?
Or do we immediately judge?
If honesty repeatedly produces punishment, eventually the child learns:
“It is safer not to tell them.”
And silence grows.
7. We don't always update our parenting.
The child who was 10 needed supervision.
The child who is 17 needs guidance.
The young adult who is 20 needs respect and responsibility.
Sometimes parents continue parenting a 17-year-old as though they are 7.
Freedom and boundaries have to evolve together.
But What About Our Children?
This conversation cannot become an excuse for children to blame parents for everything.
Children and teenagers also have responsibilities.
And there are some patterns that today's young people need to examine honestly.
1. Mistaking freedom for the absence of responsibility
Freedom is beautiful.
But freedom without responsibility becomes entitlement.
Being 18 does not mean:
“Nobody can question me.”
It means:
“I am increasingly responsible for my choices.”
2. Expecting immediate comfort
Life will not always give us what we want immediately.
A relationship may end.
An exam may go badly.
A friend may leave.
Someone may reject us.
A college application may fail.
A job may not happen.
A dream may take longer.
These experiences are painful—but they are also part of becoming an adult.
Discomfort is not always a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes it is part of growth.
3. Comparing their real life with someone else's highlight reel
Social media can make another person's life look perfect.
Beautiful body.
Perfect relationship.
Amazing holidays.
Successful career.
Happy friends.
Luxury.
Popularity.
But we are comparing our behind-the-scenes with someone else's edited presentation.
That comparison can quietly destroy self-worth.
4. Believing that disagreement means rejection
Parents will sometimes say no.
Teachers will disagree.
Friends will disappoint.
Partners will have different opinions.
The world will not always validate us.
Learning to hear:
“No.”
without collapsing emotionally is an important life skill.
5. Avoiding difficult conversations
Sometimes young people say:
“My parents won't understand.”
And perhaps they won't understand immediately.
But have you tried explaining?
Have you tried again?
Have you found another trusted adult?
Have you told someone:
“I am struggling and I need help.”
Silence may feel easier in the moment.
But carrying everything alone can make problems feel much bigger.
6. Expecting parents to understand a world they never experienced
Today's teenagers live in a very different world.
Social media.
Digital friendships.
Constant comparison.
Cyberbullying.
Online identity.
Rapid changes in relationships and social expectations.
Parents may genuinely not understand.
But children can become teachers too.
Instead of:
“You don't understand anything.”
try:
“Let me explain what this feels like for my generation.”
That can open a completely different conversation.
7. Thinking that asking for help is weakness
This may be one of the most dangerous misconceptions.
You don't have to handle everything alone.
You don't have to pretend to be strong.
You don't have to hide anxiety, heartbreak, bullying, loneliness, confusion or failure.
Asking for help is an act of courage.
If parents aren't the right people to approach, find someone trustworthy—a counsellor, teacher, relative, mentor, doctor or another responsible adult.
There should always be somewhere to turn.
And Then There Is One More Mistake—On Both Sides
Perhaps the biggest mistake parents and children make is this:
They try to prove who is right instead of trying to understand what is hurting.
The parent says:
“I am right because I have experience.”
The child says:
“I am right because this is my life.”
And the conversation becomes a courtroom.
Parent versus child.
Experience versus freedom.
Tradition versus modernity.
Control versus independence.
But a family should not be a courtroom.
It should be a place where people can come back from being wrong.
What If We Changed the Question?
Instead of parents asking:
“Why are children like this today?”
What if we asked:
“What are they experiencing that we may not understand?”
And instead of children asking:
“Why don't my parents understand me?”
What if they asked:
“What are they afraid of that makes them behave this way?”
Suddenly, there is curiosity.
And curiosity creates connection.
Parents Need to Learn
Listen before advising.
Guide without controlling.
Set boundaries without humiliating.
Allow consequences without withdrawing love.
Teach responsibility alongside freedom.
Accept that your child may choose differently from you.
Keep the door open for difficult conversations.
Children Need to Learn
Freedom comes with responsibility.
Not every disappointment is a disaster.
Not every rejection is a reflection of your worth.
Your parents can be imperfect and still love you deeply.
You don't have to agree with someone to respect them.
Asking for help is strength.
Life will sometimes be uncomfortable—and you can learn to move through discomfort.
Maybe We Don't Need Perfect Parents or Perfect Children
Maybe we simply need emotionally courageous families.
Families where a parent can say:
“I was wrong.”
And a child can say:
“I need help.”
Where a parent can say:
“I don't understand your world. Teach me.”
And a child can say:
“You may not understand immediately, but please listen.”
Where boundaries can exist without rejection.
Where freedom can exist with responsibility.
Where mistakes don't end relationships.
Where difficult conversations are not avoided.
Where love doesn't disappear when someone disagrees.
Because growing up is not just the child's job.
Parents have to grow too.
And parenting doesn't end when a child becomes independent.
It simply changes.
From controlling...
to guiding.
From protecting...
to preparing.
From instructing...
to listening.
From holding tightly...
to trusting wisely.
And perhaps children have their own journey:
From demanding...
to understanding.
From reacting...
to communicating.
From expecting...
to contributing.
From “I know everything”...
to “I am still learning.”
Because the goal of parenting was never to create a child who obeys forever.
And the goal of growing up is not to prove that parents are unnecessary.
The goal is to create an adult who can stand independently—and still know that home is a safe place to return to.
That, perhaps, is the bridge between generations.
Not perfect parents.
Not perfect children.
Just two generations willing to keep choosing connection.
With love and awareness
Roop Lakhani
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