It all starts with happiness at the bottom your heart. We are conditioned to please people, and then feel unhappy too. At times it gives us happiness to please others' but at times it gives frustrations and burnt out feelings when we do not know where to draw boundaries. It is asking to keep ourselves happy first.
You never live your own life, you live the life that has conditioned you over the years.. you know habits and patterns hardly die...
How To Heal It??
Why this happens? We are social beings and we tend to over-please others to avoid misunderstanding, conflicts and get that extra dose of approval and love to make us feel secured and wanted.
However, this always comes with the risk of being taken advantage of, being taken for granted - and ultimately, losing touch with who we really are and what we really want in life.
This can happen at work - where we take on projects - and even whole career paths - that are not actually in line with our long-term goals, just to please a mentor or because it is prestigious.
This can happen with family - where we take on much more than our share of burden and responsibility - just to avoid fighting and the pain we feel, when they withdraw their love from us as a punishment.
This can even happen in our relationships - where we tolerate things we actually find intolerable just to keep things "stable", even though we feel numb and even unsafe.
However, this always comes with the risk of being taken advantage of, being taken for granted - and ultimately, losing touch with who we really are and what we really want in life.
This can happen at work - where we take on projects - and even whole career paths - that are not actually in line with our long-term goals, just to please a mentor or because it is prestigious.
This can happen with family - where we take on much more than our share of burden and responsibility - just to avoid fighting and the pain we feel, when they withdraw their love from us as a punishment.
This can even happen in our relationships - where we tolerate things we actually find intolerable just to keep things "stable", even though we feel numb and even unsafe.
This has happened to me several times, and even after knowing I could not help myself stopping pleasing others. Most important thing was that I was aware. This requires little extra higher awareness, conscious steps to change the action steps and strong assertive powers.
Why It Happens
This behavior is called "*people-pleasing*" and is caused by a deep parental programming or deep emotional wounding in one's early life, typically in childhood.
Deep parental programming is obey parents, don't back answer, they are always right, having a different opinion for your personal life from them is not ok, please others, what would people say, what would people think for you, you would not be called as a good person. This type of wounding taught you that the way to be safest (and perhaps most loved and validated) was to anticipate the needs of others and proactively fulfill them, even without having to be asked - even if this means putting your own needs last. Yes, while 8 am writing this article, I do not wish to preach, it is true for me too.
Your brain is wired for this, you are conditioned and programmed right from your childhood. You are habituated. This is all in auto mode. You were taught that allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, would get you the most safety, and the most love. This realisation comes at the time of people pleasing and we do not make choices to create any change or it comes later with burnt out and frustrations feelings.
The trouble with this realisation is that it blocks your own life path forward, because you are always fulfilling the wishes of others.
You can do endless things for your loved ones but when it comes for you, you hardly take your own care and please yourself. So advise is to please yourself before you please others.
Why It Happens
This behavior is called "*people-pleasing*" and is caused by a deep parental programming or deep emotional wounding in one's early life, typically in childhood.
Deep parental programming is obey parents, don't back answer, they are always right, having a different opinion for your personal life from them is not ok, please others, what would people say, what would people think for you, you would not be called as a good person. This type of wounding taught you that the way to be safest (and perhaps most loved and validated) was to anticipate the needs of others and proactively fulfill them, even without having to be asked - even if this means putting your own needs last. Yes, while 8 am writing this article, I do not wish to preach, it is true for me too.
Your brain is wired for this, you are conditioned and programmed right from your childhood. You are habituated. This is all in auto mode. You were taught that allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, would get you the most safety, and the most love. This realisation comes at the time of people pleasing and we do not make choices to create any change or it comes later with burnt out and frustrations feelings.
The trouble with this realisation is that it blocks your own life path forward, because you are always fulfilling the wishes of others.
You can do endless things for your loved ones but when it comes for you, you hardly take your own care and please yourself. So advise is to please yourself before you please others.
You never live your own life, you live the life that has conditioned you over the years.. you know habits and patterns hardly die...
How To Heal It??
Here are few steps
1. Get aware of your frustrations and burnt out feelings. Check your unwillingness to do conversation and forceful unwilling actions you dofor others... And start drawing boundaries.
2. Get aware of your patterns in the present time, find alternate ways to say NO, gather courage. Don't encourage 'people pleasing' habits in words or actions.
3. Once you are successful, pat your back and say, 'you did it', get the feelings of 'it is ok not to please others'.
4. Ask and check your inner mental state... Are you ok? Are you guilty? Are you more confident? What is it? Be with your awareness. And then keep adjusting yourself and you will know how to be handling next time with much better ways.
5. Remember it is ok to please people after pleasing yourself. Don't feel burnt out and frustrated later. Enjoy giving and receiving love, care, attention, kindness, and more in appropriate ways, in mindful ways, with higher awareness.
6. And if it is still difficult for you, there are experts and therapist who can help you speed up the process..you are free to book a session with me.
What are you waiting for? Get going
With lots of love and gratitude
Awaiting for you to love yourself first
Roop Lakhani
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