Forgiving is made easy
By Roop Lakhani - 10:57:00
Forgiving Starts With You
“Raat gai, baat gayi” sounds beautiful… but in real life, it is not always easy to forget hurts.
Some words stay in the heart. Some moments leave an imprint.
We may say we have moved on, but the body remembers, the mind replays, and the heart needs time to heal.
Forgetting is not instant — it is a process.
It becomes easier when we understand the intention behind the hurt, release the emotional charge, and choose peace over the need to hold on.
Healing is not about erasing what happened, but about making sure it no longer controls your inner world.
Forgetting and forgiving are related, but they are not the same.
Forgiving is an inner decision. Forgetting is a natural outcome of that decision.
When we forgive, we release the emotional charge — the anger, the hurt, the heaviness.
We may still remember what happened, but it stops hurting the same way.
The memory becomes lighter, softer, and less important.
When we cannot forgive, the mind keeps repeating the story.
That’s why forgetting feels impossible — the wound stays active.
So the connection is simple:
We don’t forget because the mind has healed.
We forget because the heart has forgiven.
Forgiveness loosens the grip of the memory, and with time, forgetting becomes effortless
Some people say, “I have forgiven but not forgotten.”
It usually means they have released the anger, but the mind still remembers the incident.
The wound is not active anymore, but the memory is alive.
This is normal — forgetting takes time because the mind protects us by remembering what once hurt us.
Some people say, “I cannot forgive.”
Usually, it is not the forgiveness that is difficult — it is the pain that is still raw, the trust that is broken, or the fear that it may happen again.
They are still carrying the hurt, so forgiveness feels unsafe.
The truth is:
Forgiveness is a heart process.
Forgetting is a mind process.
The heart may heal first, the mind follows later.
And sometimes the mind never fully forgets, but the pain becomes powerless.
We often think forgiveness is about the other person—what they did, how deeply they hurt us, and whether they “deserve” to be forgiven. But the truth is simple and powerful: forgiveness always begins within you. It is an inner journey long before it becomes an outer action.
Every hurtful moment has two layers:
what happened and what it triggered inside you.
The event is external, but the emotional wound opens only where you are already sensitive, insecure, unhealed, or carrying a past imprint.
So the first step in forgiveness is asking yourself:
“What exactly triggered me?”
Was it the tone? The words? The rejection? The disrespect? The abandonment?
This clarity matters because triggers are mirrors—they show you what still needs understanding, compassion, and healing inside you.
When you identify the trigger, you shift from blame to deeper awareness. You start seeing that this pain didn’t start today; it began long ago. Something in the present moment simply awakened an old emotional memory.
From here, forgiveness becomes easier, because you also begin to see the other person through a psychological lens rather than an emotional wound.
Why did they behave that way?
What inner wounds, fears, insecurities, or patterns pushed them?
What were they trying to protect, avoid, or prove?
Understanding human behavior does not justify hurtful actions, but it gives you a compassionate perspective. It helps you realise that people act from their wounds far more often than from their wisdom.
And once you understand the psychology behind their behaviour, something shifts inside you. The emotional charge reduces. The story changes. You stop taking it personally. You can finally see:
“This was not about me. This was their unhealed part acting out.”
From here, a beautiful moment of truth appears—
the lesson.
Every hurt carries a hidden message:
Maybe it was asking you to set boundaries.
Maybe it was reminding you of your worth.
Maybe it was showing you your own pattern of staying silent or tolerating too much.
Maybe it was teaching you what love should feel like—and what it should never feel like.
When you learn the lesson, the pain loses its power.
And once the pain loses its power, two things happen naturally:
You forget, and you forgive.
Not because the person asked.
Not because they changed.
Not because the past became different.
But because you outgrew the hurt.
You became wiser than the pain.
Your consciousness expanded beyond the event.
Forgiveness then becomes a gift you give yourself.
A release of emotional burden.
A reclaiming of your inner peace.
A declaration of your freedom.
It is not the closing of a chapter; it is the opening of a new one—where you stand grounded, aware, healed, and whole.
Because in the end, forgiveness is not about them.
It is about you choosing your peace over your pain.
A Relatable Example
Imagine you’re sharing something important with a friend, and they suddenly say, “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
Their words sting. You feel hurt, unseen, dismissed.
At first, you think:
“Why did they speak to me like that?”
But when you look deeper, the real question becomes:
“What exactly triggered me?”
Maybe the trigger was feeling invalidated—something you have experienced since childhood whenever you expressed your emotions.
Maybe your parents often said, “Don’t cry,” “Stop being dramatic,” or “You always make small things big.”
So your friend’s statement wasn’t new—it simply activated an old wound.
When you reflect further, you also look at the friend’s behaviour from a psychological point of view. You realise:
They grew up in a household where emotions were ignored or ridiculed.
They never learned how to hold space for someone else’s feelings.
They get uncomfortable when others express vulnerability because they don’t know how to respond.
Suddenly, the anger softens. You can see why they behaved that way—not because you were wrong or “too much,” but because your emotional honesty touched a part of them they have never learned to face.
From this understanding, the lesson becomes clear:
You need to express your feelings to people who can hold them, not shrink yourself to fit someone’s emotional limitations.
Once this lesson lands, your hurt starts dissolving.
You no longer replay the incident endlessly.
You no longer wait for an apology to feel better.
You no longer carry the emotional heaviness.
Because now you understand the trigger, the psychology, and the lesson.
And that is when forgiveness naturally flows.
Here are more relatable, everyday examples across different relationships. Each shows how a trigger leads to psychological understanding, a lesson, and natural forgiveness.
1. Spouse / Partner Example
You ask your partner for help because you’re overwhelmed. They reply, “You always complain. Can’t you handle anything?”
Instantly you feel hurt and angry.
Your trigger?
Feeling unsupported and spoken to harshly.
On reflection, you realise this is not new.
Growing up, whenever you asked for help, you were told:
“Manage on your own. Don’t depend on anyone.”
So your partner’s words touched an old wound of self-reliance forced on you, not chosen by you.
Then you understand your partner psychologically:
They were raised in a family where asking for help was seen as weakness.
They themselves never express their emotions.
They react defensively anytime someone needs them.
Now the pain reduces. You see the lesson:
You need to communicate clearly, set emotional expectations, and choose support systems that actually support.
Forgiveness happens not because they were right, but because you understand the inner wounds on both sides.
2. Parent–Child (Adult Child) Example
You share a new idea or plan with your parent, and they say,
“Are you sure? I don’t think this is a good decision.”
It feels like a punch.
The trigger?
Feeling doubted. Feeling not trusted. Feeling small.
This is familiar—your entire childhood was filled with comparisons, warnings, and fear-based parenting.
So their comment isn’t new—it just reactivated the old feeling:
“I am not good enough.”
Then you see their psychology:
They learned to worry, not to trust.
Their generation equated safety with fear.
Their intention was protection, but their method was control.
You stop taking it personally.
The lesson becomes clear:
Your confidence is your responsibility now, not something you wait for your parents to give.
Forgiveness becomes easier because you can see the wounded parent behind the behaviour.
3. Workplace Example
Your colleague takes credit for something you contributed to.
You feel betrayed, disrespected, invisible.
Your trigger?
A deep fear of not being recognised or appreciated.
Then you realise:
This pattern originated long ago—perhaps your achievements were never celebrated at home, or you were always overshadowed by siblings.
Looking at the colleague psychologically:
They might be insecure about their job.
They constantly need validation.
Taking credit is their survival mechanism, not personal attack.
The lesson appears:
Start valuing your own work first. Speak up gently but clearly. Create boundaries around your contributions.
With the lesson integrated, the resentment towards the colleague melts away.
Forgiveness becomes a conscious choice.
4. Friendship Example
Your friend cancels plans last minute, again.
You feel unimportant, secondary, taken for granted.
Your trigger?
Feeling neglected. Feeling not prioritised.
Looking within, you see this is not about one cancellation.
It touches a childhood memory: being left out, being chosen last, being ignored in your family.
Then, you view the friend psychologically:
They are poor at time management.
They avoid confrontation and overcommit.
They struggle to say no and end up disappointing people.
It’s not malice; it’s their disorganised emotional pattern.
Your lesson:
Choose friends who match your emotional availability.
Stop giving more than you receive.
Communicate your needs instead of suppressing them.
Forgiveness becomes natural because you release the emotional charge behind the event.
5. Sibling Example
Your sibling snaps at you over something small.
You feel attacked, misunderstood.
Your trigger?
Feeling unfairly blamed. Feeling unheard.
You realise this trigger has deep roots—family dynamics often positioned you in a “responsible” role where you were expected to manage everything.
Seeing your sibling psychologically:
They may feel overshadowed or compared.
They might be dealing with stress and using you as a safe outlet.
They trust you too much and forget boundaries.
Your lesson:
You don’t have to be the emotional container for everyone.
You can step back and protect your space.
Forgiveness happens because you understand the pattern, not the words.
Here are some examples, hope you get some insights.
Each follows your healing flow: trigger → psychological understanding → lesson → natural forgiveness.
1. Marriage Conflict Example
You tell your partner, “I need some time with you,” and they reply, “I’m busy. Stop nagging.”
Trigger:
Feeling rejected. Feeling unimportant. Feeling emotionally abandoned.
Root inside you:
You grew up craving emotional closeness.
Any form of distance triggers the old childhood wound of not being emotionally held.
Psychological understanding of partner:
They equate emotional closeness with losing independence.
They were raised in a home where affection was minimal.
They feel uncomfortable with emotional needs they can’t fulfill.
Lesson:
Stop seeking emotional oxygen from someone who hasn’t learned to breathe emotionally.
Create your own emotional grounding and express needs calmly, not from fear.
Forgiveness naturally flows because you now see the wounded child inside your spouse, not an attacker.
2. Betrayal / Cheating Example
Your partner hides a conversation or lies about meeting someone.
Trigger:
Feeling unsafe. Feeling disrespected. Fear of abandonment.
Root inside you:
Old wounds of not being chosen, fear of being replaced, or past betrayals you never healed.
Psychological understanding of partner:
They may be attention-driven due to past neglect.
They fear confrontation and lie to avoid conflict.
They may have unresolved wounds around validation.
None of this justifies cheating—but it explains the psychological pattern.
Lesson:
Your intuition is wisdom, not insecurity.
And your boundaries need to be founded on self-worth, not fear of loss.
Forgiveness becomes possible when you separate their behaviour from your worth.
3. Mother Wound Example
Your mother criticises your choices: “You never do things right.”
Trigger:
Feeling criticised, compared, and never good enough.
Root inside you:
A deep need for maternal approval that never came.
A lifelong pattern of perfectionism.
Psychological understanding of mother:
She was raised with harsh expectations.
She never learned loving communication.
Her criticism is her language for “I want the best for you.”
Lesson:
You no longer need maternal validation to feel valuable.
Your inner mother must now replace your real mother’s emotional gaps.
Forgiveness arises because you see her limitations, not her power.
4. Father Wound Example
Your father dismisses your feelings: “Stop being emotional.”
Trigger:
Feeling unheard. Feeling emotionally invisible. Feeling minimised.
Root inside you:
You spent your childhood shrinking your voice to avoid rejection.
Psychological understanding of father:
He grew up believing emotions are weakness.
He was never allowed to cry or express.
He avoids emotional depth because he cannot handle his own.
Lesson:
Your feelings are valid even if your father can’t understand them.
Your emotional voice deserves space.
Forgiveness becomes easier because you see his emotional incapacity, not your inadequacy.
5. Clients Cancelling Sessions Example
A client cancels a session last minute after you prepared everything.
Trigger:
Feeling disrespected, undervalued, and taken for granted.
Fear that your work is not appreciated.
Root inside you:
A pattern of overgiving and not receiving equal energy back.
Psychological understanding of client:
They may be overwhelmed.
They avoid confrontation.
They don’t understand energetic boundaries or professionalism.
Lesson:
Your time has value.
Clear cancellation policies are self-respect.
Your work is sacred, not casual.
Forgiveness comes easily when you realise it’s about their disorganisation, not your worth.
6. Friends Ghosting Example
A friend suddenly stops replying, even after you’ve been there for them many times.
Trigger:
Feeling abandoned, used, and emotionally dismissed.
Root inside you:
Fear of not mattering.
Old memories of being left out.
Psychological understanding of friend:
They might withdraw when stressed.
They may not know how to maintain emotional consistency.
They might rely on you only when they need strength.
Lesson:
Stop giving to friendships that cannot reciprocate.
Not everyone deserves your emotional availability.
Forgiveness arises when you release the attachment to their behaviour.
7. Disrespect from In-Laws Example
Your in-law makes a comment like, “You should do things our way.”
Trigger:
Feeling controlled, judged, and unaccepted.
Root inside you:
A childhood pattern of trying to please elders to avoid conflict.
A wound of “I must earn love.”
Psychological understanding of in-laws:
They come from a traditional background.
Their comments are rooted in insecurity and habit, not intention to hurt.
They fear losing influence in the family.
Lesson:
Acceptance does not require approval.
You can create boundaries respectfully and still remain kind.
Forgiveness flows because their behaviour reflects old conditioning, not personal dislike.
8. Misunderstandings with Children Example
Your child snaps at you or refuses to listen.
Trigger:
Feeling disrespected. Feeling like your efforts are not seen.
Root inside you:
Old patterns of wanting appreciation for everything you do.
A fear of failing as a parent.
Psychological understanding of child:
They are overwhelmed.
They are learning to regulate emotions.
They express discomfort through defiance because they don’t yet have emotional vocabulary.
Lesson:
Your presence matters more than your perfection.
Respond, don’t react.
Guide with calmness, not hurt.
Forgiveness becomes effortless because you see the innocence beneath the behaviour.
Here comes personal story from my life.
I was somewhere here.
When Your Husband Doesn’t Care How You Feel in a Joint Family
Living in a joint family brings together many responsibilities—cooking, cleaning, hosting, managing everyone’s expectations, and silently carrying the emotional load of the entire house.
When the husband doesn’t notice this or doesn’t show care, the wife slowly feels:
emotionally abandoned
invisible
unappreciated
overwhelmed
burnt out
And forgiveness becomes very, very difficult.
But here is how forgiveness becomes possible—not by excusing him, but by understanding the deeper layers.
1. First, Understand Your Trigger
What exactly hurts you?
“He doesn’t understand my exhaustion.”
“He doesn’t defend me in front of his family.”
“He acts as if chores are my duty.”
“He takes my emotional labour for granted.”
These are not small things.
These are deep emotional needs:
to be seen, to be valued, to be supported, to be cared for.
Your pain is valid.
But forgiveness starts when you recognise:
This hurt is touching an old wound inside you.
Maybe as a child you were expected to “adjust,” “be strong,” “take responsibility,” and never complain.
So now, when your husband shows the same insensitivity, it hits a very old, raw place.
This awareness shifts the power back to you.
2. Next, See Him Psychologically, Not Emotionally
This is the step that melts the anger.
Ask yourself:
Why does he behave this way?
Most men raised in joint families grow up seeing:
mothers serving silently
women doing unpaid emotional and physical labour
men not participating in housework
emotional needs being dismissed with “adjust karlo”
responsibility being confused with sacrifice
He is not intentionally hurting you—
he simply doesn’t know any other model of healthy partnership.
Psychologically:
He was never taught emotional literacy.
He doesn’t know how to handle a woman’s exhaustion.
He feels pressured between wife and family and chooses the path of least resistance—silence.
He genuinely believes “if she is doing all this, she can handle it.”
He may be overwhelmed himself but expresses it as detachment.
This does not make his behaviour right.
But it makes it understandable.
And understanding is the doorway to forgiveness.
3. Then, Discover the Lesson
Your pain carries a message for you:
You need boundaries.
You need to express your needs clearly.
You need to stop carrying the full emotional load alone.
You need to value your energy more than your image in the family.
You need to shift from pleasing to self-honouring.
And a very important lesson:
You must stop waiting for him to validate your feelings before you value them yourself.
When this truth lands, the emotional charge reduces.
4. Finally, Forgiveness Becomes Possible
Forgiveness does not mean:
accepting poor behaviour
tolerating disrespect
letting others walk all over you
Forgiveness means:
“I release the emotional weight I’ve been carrying.
I understand his limitations.
I choose peace over resentment.”
You forgive not because he deserves it,
but because your heart deserves rest.
When you separate the man from the conditioning, your heart softens.
When you separate the behaviour from your worth, your power returns.
When you see the wound beneath his silence, you stop taking it personally.
That is when forgiveness happens—not in one day, but gently, layer by layer.
Healing Worksheet for Wives in Joint Families
1. What Am I Feeling Right Now?
Write down the emotions you are experiencing:
Tired
Unseen
Unsupported
Angry
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Describe your feelings in your own words-
2. What Triggered Me?
What specific behaviour or situation hurt me today?
Which part of the situation felt the heaviest?
3. What Does This Remind Me Of?
Does this feeling connect to any past experiences—childhood, family patterns, or old emotional wounds?
What belief got activated?
"I have to manage everything."
"My needs don’t matter."
"If I don’t do it, no one will."
"I must adjust to avoid conflict."
Other: _____________________________
4. Understanding My Husband Psychologically
What might be his emotional limitations or conditioning?
Difficulty expressing care
Grew up seeing women handle everything silently
Avoids conflict
Lacks emotional language
Chooses family expectations over wife's emotional needs
Which of these apply?
5. What Do I Need Right Now?
Physical needs:
Emotional needs:
Support I wish for:
6. Boundary Check
Where do I need to say "no" or "not today"?
Where am I overgiving?
What can I delegate or stop doing?
7. My Healing Lesson
What is this situation teaching me?
Value my energy
Express needs clearly
Stop doing everything silently
Set boundaries respectfully
Honour my emotional truth
My personal lesson:
8. Releasing the Emotional Weight
I choose to release:
Resentment towards _________
The belief that I must suffer silently
Trying to be perfect in everyone’s eyes
What else do you choose to release?
9. Forgiveness (For Your Peace)
Forgiveness statement to repeat: "I understand his limitations. I release the emotional burden. My peace matters."
Write your own forgiveness line:
10. Closing Reflection
How do I want to feel tonight?
What is one small act of self-care I will do?
What is one boundary I will honour tomorrow?
To your forgiving nature
Roop Lakhani
www.rooplakhani.com
www.rooplakhani.co.in
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